Usually, I don't get in a tither about things I read on the internet. People have different opinions than I do. While sometimes I find myself sighing reading something, I usually don't do much more. I recently read a repost of some guy's blog aiming to glorify stay at home moms while pretty much implying that women in the workplace were replaceable, not meeting the "higher" calling of a SAHM and less than "ideal."
Being a stay at home mom is a lot of work. Being your child's only caretaker 9-10 hours a day 5 days a week is hard! Some do it even longer than that! I have a taste of it each Sunday as my husband works while I stay at home. That taste is more than enough for me to appreciate all the hard work mothers who stay at home do. Also, having a mom who did stay at home in my early years provides me with an appreciation of it. Raising kids is the toughest thing one will ever do. It is extremely exhausting and not for the faint of heart! I can imagine that it's really tough to live in one income and not all families with a SAHM enjoy the luxuries my family enjoys.
However, you know what is also a lot of work? Being away from home 50 hours or so a week and still trying to manage to keep the house in some semblance of order, spending quality time with your child(ren), preparing for the times you will not be with them, calling on your breaks to check in with their daytime care giver, not being able to nap when your baby naps even though you were up all night with him/her but still had to be up at 6 AM so that you can go to work and put food on the table, using your work breaks to get done miscellaneous administrative house work so more of your time home can be spent fully being there and sacrificing time with your spouse so your child has more time with his parents each day. To me, that's a pretty difficult as well. Yes, honestly, after a day of full time caring for my child, returning to work on Monday is a breeze. That doesn't mean that there is no difficulty in the choice we made as a family.
You know what also should be a lot of work? Being a father. You got it, a father is such an important part of a child's world. I would even say AS important as a mother. However, this is rarely mentioned other than when the news brings up studies about how important having an involved father is and how messed up children can be without a good dad in their lives.
However, the expectations on fatherhood aren't quite as great as society. It seems sometimes as though the father that works full time while managing to help with child care and housework (whether or not his wife works outside the home) isn't the norm and is almost hero like in spite women being in the workforce for a number of years. One thing that I found so obnoxious about blogger guy's post is him complaining while at a coffee house (instead of well, at home) he says, "My wife would love to have a coffee break." Well, man that's your ROLE as a father. YOU should be the one making sure your wife gets a much deserved break! While society still seems to look down on mothers trying to advance their career, this is still a noble pursuit when a father does the same thing even at the expense of extreme time away from his family.
In our situation, my husband and I would opposite shifts while a family member takes care of our young son for 5 hours/4 days a week when our shifts overlap. We had always planned it this way prior to having kids and for us, it has worked out well these last three years. However, whenever I mention that my husband is my son's primary care taker for 30 of the 50 or so hours, it still comes as a surprise to people that he shares in the child care duties.
As a young child, my mom went back to work part time. Sure, at times it sucked and I missed her since I might just see her an hour a day between coming home from school and her going to work as I'm sure we all did. However, the very best part of the situation was bonding with my father. He wasn't just some guy who did fun things with us on the occasional weekend. He was a truly active participant in our life. I sometimes wonder if children suffer somewhat when this is not the case. If a dad isn't a major participant in your child's life, if a dad is forced into working insane amount of hours just so his family can get by, is it a good thing for his family? I would say no. However, I don't know if society values the contribution of a father's participation in the life of his child(ren) the same way it does a mother's.
The original article mentioned the "What do you DO all day?" questions that SAHMs often get. It sucks with the implication that a SAHM has a life of leisure, but sometimes, it is just merely a question. Being employed full-time, I usually get a lot of weird questions tossed my way too. Probably one of the more insulting to both myself and my spouse was, "Do you trust your husband to be alone with your child all day?" Um, no. I just married him because I thought he was a complete dope who isn't capable of parenting a child. My husband is just as capable of showing our child affection, clothing him, changing him, feeding him and most of all, loving him as I am. In some ways, I would even say he's better at it than I am. Another good one that happens pretty much in any conversation where I reveal that I'm a employed parent is, "Where is your son while you work?" Well, I pretty much turn him off and leave him in his bed all day. Kind of like the Small Wonder girl. Honestly, I know that this is just a question, not an insult leveled at me. Just like "What do you do all day?" is. And like it, sometimes it is a hard question to digest.
I am still baffled as to when working outside the home is pretty routine and how many people work opposite shifts from their parenting partner, how little support there is for moms outside the hours of 9 AM to 5 PM. When I attended baptismal prep class, I want to say all but one mom was planning on returning to work after maternity leave. Quite a few of these split shifts with their husbands so one parent could be home. Despite this, the Mom and Tot class at our church is ONLY on a weekday. The library has a reading program for kids 3-5 (my child's age). Again, this program is ONLY during the day. There are mom groups that I found online. When inquiring about them, I was told, "Oh, well, we usually don't do things at night other than maybe have a night out together without the kids. This might not be the best fit for you, but you can come out during your maternity leave." I looked to the park district in my son's early years to see that we could only attend Water Babies on my schedule. Now he is older, the opportunities for evening Mom and Tot classes are there, but not to the extent that they are there during the day. Even when I attended one, it was me, one other mother and several dads. Why are there plenty of opportunities for SAHM to meet up as moms with their kids while opportunities for working mom are all but non-existent? We all need support and personally, I would love the opportunity to bond with people in the same place in life as me while my son gets some time with others.
Okay, I think I covered a lot here. The main point I want to make is parents, help each other out. The other point is we still have a long way to go when it comes to supporting all types of parents, especially mothers. And finally, no way of parenting is the best way. Each situation is different and each person is unique in their role as a parent. It's easy to judge and be smug that your way is the BEST or IDEAL way. It's fun to put yourself or your significant other on a pedestal above the rest of the world and look down on those who do it differently. There is no universal truth in parenting other than the majority of parents love their children very much and doing their darnest to raise healthy, smart and caring individuals.
PS-I really have to have a huge shot out to our parents. Without my mom and dad helping us, things would be so much harder. The majority of the afternoons my mom watches my son, she provides me with a meal. It makes my world that much easier and better with a wonderful act of kindness. Without my in-laws helping us, we would very rarely have time together as a couple. When you are an adult, you finally realize what awesome, self-sacrificing individuals your parents are. The fact that they are still at it 30+ into the parenting journey is amazing.
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